taking time out to reflect

As I was making my way through the madness that were the grocery store aisles earlier this evening, I realized that I needed to step back for a moment before I am sucked into the craziness that is the holiday season. I was reminded that I sort of blew it today as B surprised me by coming home in the middle of the day during his break between classes and I focused more on how he had accidentally broken a glass instead of how happy I was to see him.

For several people I know this will be a first holiday season without someone you love dearly. For a few of you it is mothers, for others it is grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin, father, sister, brother, or friend. There are also those that have suffered in what in my opinion is the greatest loss -- that of child. And while some may beg to differ I think those that have lost pets may also feel like something is missing this season.

I wish I had some magic to help get you through. Alas, I don't. All I can tell you is that you are still here. And even if the reason isn't clear to you why, have faith that there is a reason. Also believe that those who you miss would not want to see you suffer. They would want for you to have a wonderful day, to celebrate and fully enjoy the gifts of this earth.

Try not to close yourself off, although you may be tempted. Know that there are angels (for lack of a better word) who have been placed here to get you through. They will appear in forms that you least expect, but they will be there.

Perhaps what is hardest about holidays is that they remind us of the loss. It is usually the silly things you miss. Things like your mom's leftover turkey sandwich with stuffing and cranberry sauce on a Kaiser roll that as hard as you try you just can't seem to recreate. But it is those traditions and memories that keep the spirit of those no longer here alive in our hearts. If you can let go of the fear, remembering can be a happy thing.

Some will shed tears, and that is okay. Others won't, and that is okay too. Take some time just for you. Take a walk or phone a friend. If you really must, close the door and have a good cry (just don't do it too long). Remember to take care of yourself. Doing the most basic things like eating properly, getting enough rest, and exercising are key.

Find new traditions. Some people leave an empty space at the table. For some that is too corny to even contemplate. Probably the only places open on most holidays are movie houses and Chinese restaurants. Perhaps these will inspire new traditions. But don’t forget parks and places of worship. If you live in the city walk the avenues and get a first peek at the holiday displays. If you live in the country take a walk and enjoy the beauty of nature.

For those who have not known loss (or for whom time has helped heal your wounds), reach out to those who are hurting. Simple things like a phone call, email or card can make a difference, and let them know they are not alone. Help make sure this person has someone to share the holidays with; extend an invitation if appropriate. Even if they turn you down, knowing that they were included can help. If they don't feel up to a big get together, see if you can't make a date to go see a movie or go shopping or jus grab a cup of coffee to catch up. Remember though to follow up! Not doing so will only add to the person’s disappointment and that is not the point of this at all.

Many people feel helpless in trying to help someone cope with grief. The simple truth is sometimes listening is all you need to do. Take cues from your friend. If they don't want to talk, don't force the issue. A good icebreaker may simply be to ask the person how they are. Again, here is where listening is key. If they just automatically say fine, but don't sound it, check in. Say something like, "really, you don't sound fine", and see where that leads.

If you are truly concerned about a friend, talk to them about your concerns. A good test is try and put yourself in your friend’s shoes and ask what you would want someone to do if you were in this situation. Seek out professional help if you feel it is warranted. Crisis hotlines can be a good starting point.

As I have said before, the holidays really aren't about the food and the presents. They truly are about being present and helping your fellow man (and woman and child). I hope everyone takes time to remember that, no matter which traditions you chose to celebrate this time of year.

Peace and solace to you and yours as the holiday season gets underway and throughout.

background noise :: superman, five for fighting