coming back

For someone who has few commitments at the moment, I am amazed at how little it feels like I get done. It is disappointing and a bit scary, if you must know.

B's parents (and sister) have been gone now for over 10 days. I feel like I have recovered as much as I can from their visit, which was quite awful. Still, some of the things that were said and done aren't things that you can just shake off and move on. But I try.

It probably isn't helping that this week is usually hard for me. It begins with my father's birthday and ends with my sister's. Their birthdays are exactly a week apart (and many years, of course). Part of me just wishes I could forget, but another part of me is glad that I don't. It is still tough though not to remember and ask if maybe it is me. Maybe I am the reason why my family is so messed up. But I know that isn't true. But after the parental visit in which I was accused of not wanting other people to have relationships with their families because I have no relationship with my own, it had to be asked.

We are also coming up on nine months of having left Chicago. I can't believe it has been that long although some of this time has dragged on. I also can't believe that I have lived without most of my things for this long. How I long for the day to sleep once again in my own bed and under my own roof. It seems like such a small thing - so easy to take for granted. But part of me is ready for this journey to end; of course the other part of me is scared to death as to what that means. In fact when I recently thought that it was about to change I had a most bizarre panic attack. It felt like my system literally reset.

So the question is how to I prepare for this change? How do I keep from feeling like I am drowning? How do I come back?

EGGS by Jerry Spinelli