or not

I have spent a good part of today YELLING! Yes, yelling. I had had enough of all of this no one willing to make a decision about if they were coming to LA for the holidays nonsense.

I am a planner. Not only that, I have planned large holiday gatherings. It is a LOT of work. Don't get me wrong, I love doing it, but it doesn't take away from the effort and managing that goes into such a thing. I also know that with every day that passes, it becomes more difficult to find things, not to mention that the crowds get crankier, larger, and more out of control. If this is going to fall to me, then I would prefer not to make it any more difficult than it need be.

If everyone were to come, there would be six adults (and I really just mean people over 18 - the behavior I am in the midst of is far from adult) and two children under three. There are two dining tables in the house. Both seat six. Each is in a different room. There are also only sets of six dishes, glasses, etc. My main concern is really not so much matching everything, but more in that if history repeats itself, then B and I would be forced to sit at the counter with our backs facing everyone. So much for bringing people together. The tables could be moved into the den, but again, a lot of work that I would rather not do if they are not coming.

One of the things we learned is that B's sister didn't realize we were in LA when she sent the email suggesting she might be spending the holidays there (um, here). This was something I had initially suspected, as it was a bit bizarre. Honestly I can't say which would be worse - that she didn't know where her brother was living or that she was inviting herself (and her family) to spend the holidays with us. I just don't know how this has never come up in such a 'close knit' family. *rolls eyes*

We also learned that the instigation for this whole 'family holiday in LA' was for the grandkids to spend the holidays with their grandparents. Asian cultures tend to say that the husband's family rules the roost (there are exceptions of course, this is just a general guideline when all other things are equal). This is important because last holiday season, B's sister left her oldest son to stay with his paternal grandparents for three months. As the maternal grandparents lived in the area, the boy visited (mostly on weekends), but the paternal grandparents had custody, so to speak. You would think that they would be all over this and willing to concede to any demands made of them. Apparently not so much.

Even more disturbing is that B's parents know where he is, and they knew about these plans, but never said a word to him. I don't know if they were hoping we wouldn't be here over the holidays or afraid that if they clued us in on their plans, we would make alternate plans. Clearly there are some serious control issues, not to mention manipulation and complete lack of communication.

Meanwhile, B is asking me why I am so upset about all of this. If I want a family holiday I should just plan for it, and if they don't come, they don't come. He assures me that his parents don't care about things like decorations and just want to spend time together. I say that while that may be good and true, there are little children in the picture and it certainly wouldn't be right for them not to enjoy the traditions of the holidays. Also I point out that I would hate to do to all that work (and spend the money) only for the two of us to be sitting alone come Christmas Eve. How sad would that be? Well, maybe not sad, but there would be some feelings of disappointment. I joked about putting in all in a box and leaving it for next year when we definitely would make other plans.

I have been living for the last year in limbo. I hate not being able to tell people where I will be. I know that no one would be upset with me if I had to cancel at the last minute, but I also know that it gets old fast. And it is disappointing all around. It is a large part of why I start keeping my distance. I was tired of explaining. I love the saying "Bloom Where You Are Planted", but I am not sure how to do that having been uprooted so much.

Since I started writing this, we have learned that they are probably not coming. There is still a slim chance, but it isn't likely. Those are almost exact quotes from his parents. Don't you just love that? And I was accused of being non-committal. Go figure. Also, B's Dad suggested we go to New York. Gotta love it.

Someone once said that the definition of mixed feelings is watching your mother-in-law drive over a cliff. In your brand new Mercedes.




on the night stand :: The Sunny Side by A.A. Milne