pt 2 :: i miss my bed

I keep looking back on the last two years to see what I can take away from this. What have I/can I learn?

In some ways (okay many ways), I feel like one of the biggest losers on the planet. If you simply sized me up, I am not someone you would want to take home to meet your parents. Aside from the living out of a suitcase and not supporting myself, I have done a pretty good job isolating myself. If you had been daring enough to invite me over to family night, chances are good I would have made sure to be out of town.

I am disappointed in myself that it has been two years since I hosted a party or had friends over for dinner. I am sorry that I didn't call my friends more or even just send them an email. I know though that part of it is that I sound like a broken record. I am also disheartened that things between me and B's family aren't much better. I am disappointed that I haven't stood up for myself more. I am sad about the many projects that sit unfinished or worse, not even started.

Of course there is more to this story and another light I could go stand in. These last two years have been a roller coaster ride, and I have managed to survive and keep my wits about me even. I have tried to make the best of this, although I berate myself for not having done more to have stretched myself and reached out more.

I may not have won any awards or honors these past 24 months, but I have come out of my comfort zone on multiple occasions. I am writing my morning pages again. I haven't been abandoned by my friends. And of course B and I still can't imagine life without the other.

I have woken up in many different beds, but always grateful to still be here. I get that I am lucky. I know what it means to be a survivor. I guess what I want is the next step - to thrive.




on the night stand :: Emily Brown and the Thing