that is what it is all about

Four days to go! Made more progress, but probably still not enough where I won't be freaking out Friday night and yelling. At one point I went and crawled under the covers. That's when it hit me - I haven't seen, spoken, heard, touched, hugged, smelled, or felt my Mom in nearly ten years. That took a few minutes to recover from.

Yet here I am driving myself crazy, trying to get this house (that isn't mine) ready for the arrival of B's family. Today I spent the day washing the sheets and blankets while putting away things so that there isn't anything on any surface in this house. I also went out to Target and tried to find a replacement bulb for the one I broke. No luck. Came home with another string of lights, which turn out use less energy, but also are smaller than the other strands I bought. I put them on anyway. Somehow I spent $75 so I could use a coupon I had for $5 off. I feel like such a sucker.

I think part of what is going on with me is that I am becoming one of those people who dreads the holidays. There are all these messages telling us that the holidays are a time to spend with your family. Well, what do you do when you don't have a family? Feel like a total loser.

It doesn't help that watching B's family interact (or lack thereof) with one another makes me want to scream. The last time they were here, they couldn't get it together to come to the table at the same time and share a meal. It made me want to smash something (typically my head into a wall). The worst was when they asked me to make dinner for them, and then wouldn't eat with us.

B's sister, who is only a year younger than B, seems to regress to a teenager with serious emo issues when she is here. If she isn't off with her parents, then she is in her room. B has tried invited her out with us, but she turns him down. She doesn't drive when she is here, so that does make her a bit of a hostage. There really isn't much within walking distance of interest from the house. I feel for her, but am at a loss. It also tears me to bits to watch, having lost my sister.

B's other sister, also younger, will be added into the mix this time around, along with her husband. Last time we saw them was at B's graduation. It was pretty clear his sister didn't want to be there. She wore jeans and a zipper down fleece. When B introduced her around, people didn't believe she also had an MBA from a top ten school, and worked for one of the most prestigious firms on Wall Street. Again, truly bizarre behavior. I almost asked her if the airlines lost her luggage, because that was the only explanation that made any sense.

And as if all of that is not interesting enough, B's almost 5-year old nephew will be joining us too. His not quite 2-year old brother, will not. I don't know why beyond the fact that he is with his paternal grandparents, 6000 miles away. We originally thought the reason for this trip was to reunite the child with his parents (being brought back by his maternal grandparents), but we guessed wrong.

In other news, B asked about Christmas dinner, and got a reply from his mother. Apparently she is busy doing stuff that needs to be done before they leave, and hadn't really given it much thought. She said that she would like to have it here and that perhaps her brother and his family would join us. Of course she didn't say if she wanted to have said dinner on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. She also left the menu up to us.

It is a start. But B couldn't get ahold of his Uncle today to see what his plans were. We were thinking of doing it Christmas Eve so that we could do what we usually do on Christmas - go to the movies and eat Chinese food.

So how do I keep it together when all I will probably want to do is go somewhere and cry? And when will I find time to clean the oven, finish the Christmas cards, and wash all the linens?




on the night stand :: Paper Towns by John Green