trying to get into the holiday spirit

canon digital rebel xsi

This is the first year in a very long time that I actually have a tree and decorations. Usually this time of year I am posting about wanting a Christmas tree, and childhood memories of begging for a tree. That said, I have no idea what is wrong with me.

Part of me thinks it is still a little early for decorating. It is only the 7th. The other obstacle is that the tree is in the garage. And I am afraid of the garage. There are big nasty spiders in there. I keep thinking that we are going to take the tree out of its bag, and find it covered in spiders. That is not my idea of a Christmas memory. Spiders make me scream.

I am still not done with the card list. It really isn't a difficult thing to do. I just have no motivation. I really should just sit down at the table, and get to work. In a few hours, I could at least have the envelopes addressed. No idea about what to say on the inside. I have done some work on what goes on the front.

Maybe that is what it is. All the work it takes to put this holiday together. Not that I don't like work. I just don't like work that isn't appreciated. I think I am having these feelings of no one really cares about me. I am feeling isolated (which makes sense since I do spend a great deal of my day alone). But I also feel when I do reach out, I am ignored.

I know that this time of year makes me feel vulnerable to start. I get to constantly be reminded that I don't have a family, and how that means I don't fit into the Hallmark image of Christmas. That something is wrong with me. I also get to listen and watch other people whine about the families the do have. That's a pretty bad combination. It makes me vacillate between wanting to cry and scream. I probably shouldn't be around people.



on the night stand :: The Magician's Elephant by Kate DiCamillo.