time flies

canon digital rebel xsi

Ten years ago today I was fired by my friend. Okay, that isn't entirely true. She didn't fire me - she had the new person do it. Really, she did.

Honestly though, I shouldn't have been surprised. I was part of the firing of another when I was the new girl. That person was actually the ex-lover of her ex-lover. Oh yes, it was that insane a place to work.

For most of the time I worked there, it was a four women and a dog office. Who knew there could be so much drama and chaos in that? During my just more than a year there, at least two of my coworkers had nervous breakdowns. In fact, one was scheduled to return the day after I was let go, after a months leave. Probably not a coincidence.

I was fired because I was late. Less than ten minutes. I had been warned. Was put on probation. Written up. I was supposed to call so she didn't have to worry I was dead on MoPac. Of course this was before I had a cell phone.

In my defense, I didn't have a position that required me to be there promptly. I wasn't hired to answer the phones, although often found myself doing so. I also often worked 80 hours a week, usually coming in to the office at least six, sometimes seven, days a week.

Before she left, the woman who was out on nervous breakdown leave, had somehow managed to convince our boss and friend that I wasn't doing my share of the work. I had been labeled the problem employee, although the new woman - the one who had to fire me - saw that quite the opposite was true. She even took me aside at one point and explained that she had been told that I was the problem employee, although clearly she realized, that this wasn't the case - quite the opposite was true.

I had also had a heart-to-heart with my boss and friend just a few days prior to all of this going down. One of her issues was that I wasn't sharing enough. I explained that I was seeing a therapist for my depression, which on some level she knew. It was her that put the pamphlet in my hand that led me to him.

Only a few weeks before this, B had popped the question, and given me a ring. She said it would never happen. My first day back at the office, I hid the ring. I don't think I made it quite through the day before I told her. It was hard to keep secrets in that place.

There was another private talk, maybe a month before this went down. I was taken aside and given a jewelry box from her business trip to Korea. It had happened because I was there late, and answered the phone. She told me that everyone else got a pen, but she knew that I had been keeping the office running while she was gone, and so had gotten me something extra. Something special. You can only imagine how shaken to the core I was when a few weeks later I was being shown the door. I didn't trust myself. I didn't know what to believe.

I could tell you so many stories of my time at the company. Most you would think I had made up, they were so unbelievable. They really were. I don't think I believed what was happening. I think that is what they mean when they say by willing suspension of disbelief. I lived in that state a lot.

But back to that day. It was a Friday. I remember packing up my stuff. I had already brought much of my stuff home - a part of me knew this was possible. I called B at his work, and then went home and cried for a bit. I had one of those daily meditation books. It had an angel on the cover. I opened it to the date. It said something about windows opening when a door closed. It was somewhat comforting, but I think I cried some more anyway.

B met me for lunch at a place around the corner called Bubba's. We were in Austin, after all. Did I mention I started working at this company in San Francisco? I came out for what was supposed to be a few weeks to finish a project, and ended up staying five years. My being let go happened just a couple of weeks shy of my one year mark in Austin. Of course at the point most of my friends and connections were through that job. I didn't kid myself that I would be on my own henceforth.

What I never talked about, and which I am sure was never even understood was what a part of me knew was brewing inside. In that almost year in Austin, everyone else's mother came to visit (from California, Colorado, and even France). I was invited to lunches and/or dinners with these women. It was a painful reminder of what a part of me knew was happening - that my mother was drinking herself to death.

I am sure that I was probably more down than usual after those visits. I am sure on some level they noticed, but didn't make the connection. As I said, a part of me could feel it happening, although I was in deep denial for the most part. I didn't talk about it. Even in therapy I had managed to focus on thinking about my father's death (I had somehow learned he had had a stroke), but not my mother's, even though it would happen within six weeks of my being let go.

There was a part of me that wanted to call her after I learned about my mother's passing. It took a lot not to. I couldn't get sucked back in. I was at least far enough out to know that my leaving there, wasn't entirely a bad thing.

I confess I have looked her up (online) over the last decade a few times. I know that her mother, too has passed. She now has a restaurant that bears her mother's name.

on the night stand :: The Mercy Papers

suspended disbelief

canon digital rebel xsi

Ten years ago today I was fired by my friend. Okay, that isn't entirely true. She didn't fire me - she had the new person do it. Really, she did.

Honestly though, I shouldn't have been surprised. I was part of the firing of another when I was the new girl. That person was actually the ex-lover of her ex-lover. Oh yes, it was that insane a place to work.

For most of the time I worked there, it was a four women and a dog office. Who knew there could be so much drama and chaos in that? During my just more than a year there, at least two of my coworkers had nervous breakdowns. In fact, one was scheduled to return the day after I was let go, after a months leave. Probably not a coincidence.

I was fired because I was late. Less than ten minutes. I had been warned. Was put on probation. Written up. I was supposed to call so she didn't have to worry I was dead on MoPac. Of course this was before I had a cell phone.

In my defense, I didn't have a position that required me to be there promptly. I wasn't hired to answer the phones, although often found myself doing so. I also often worked 80 hours a week, usually coming in to the office at least six, sometimes seven, days a week.

Before she left, the woman who was out on nervous breakdown leave, had somehow managed to convince our boss and friend that I wasn't doing my share of the work. I had been labeled the problem employee, although the new woman - the one who had to fire me - saw that quite the opposite was true. She even took me aside at one point and explained that she had been told that I was the problem employee, although clearly she realized, that this wasn't the case - quite the opposite was true.

I had also had a heart-to-heart with my boss and friend just a few days prior to all of this going down. One of her issues was that I wasn't sharing enough. I explained that I was seeing a therapist for my depression, which on some level she knew. It was her that put the pamphlet in my hand that led me to him.

Only a few weeks before this, B had popped the question, and given me a ring. She said it would never happen. My first day back at the office, I hid the ring. I don't think I made it quite through the day before I told her. It was hard to keep secrets in that place.

There was another private talk, maybe a month before this went down. I was taken aside and given a jewelry box from her business trip to Korea. It had happened because I was there late, and answered the phone. She told me that everyone else got a pen, but she knew that I had been keeping the office running while she was gone, and so had gotten me something extra. Something special. You can only imagine how shaken to the core I was when a few weeks later I was being shown the door. I didn't trust myself. I didn't know what to believe.

I could tell you so many stories of my time at the company. Most you would think I had made up, they were so unbelievable. They really were. I don't think I believed what was happening. I think that is what they mean when they say by willing suspension of disbelief. I lived in that state a lot.

But back to that day. It was a Friday. I remember packing up my stuff. I had already brought much of my stuff home - a part of me knew this was possible. I called B at his work, and then went home and cried for a bit. I had one of those daily meditation books. It had an angel on the cover. I opened it to the date. It said something about windows opening when a door closed. It was somewhat comforting, but I think I cried some more anyway.

B met me for lunch at a place around the corner called Bubba's. We were in Austin, after all. Did I mention I started working at this company in San Francisco? I came out for what was supposed to be a few weeks to finish a project, and ended up staying five years. My being let go happened just a couple of weeks shy of my one year mark in Austin. Of course at the point most of my friends and connections were through that job. I didn't kid myself that I would be on my own henceforth.

What I never talked about, and which I am sure was never even understood was what a part of me knew was brewing inside. In that almost year in Austin, everyone else's mother came to visit (from California, Colorado, and even France). I was invited to lunches and/or dinners with these women. It was a painful reminder of what a part of me knew was happening - that my mother was drinking herself to death.

I am sure that I was probably more down than usual after those visits. I am sure on some level they noticed, but didn't make the connection. As I said, a part of me could feel it happening, although I was in deep denial for the most part. I didn't talk about it. Even in therapy I had managed to focus on thinking about my father's death (I had somehow learned he had had a stroke), but not my mother's, even though it would happen within six weeks of my being let go.

There was a part of me that wanted to call her after I learned about my mother's passing. It took a lot not to. I couldn't get sucked back in. I was at least far enough out to know that my leaving there, wasn't entirely a bad thing.

I confess I have looked her up (online) over the last decade a few times. I know that her mother, too has passed. She now has a restaurant that bears her mother's name.

on the night stand :: The Mercy Papers

giving thanks

I can't believe that Thanksgiving (in the US) is exactly a week away. While many couples have great debates over which family to spend the holidays with, we have quite a different problem. We have the whole two turkeys in the freezer and no guest problem.

When we have been in LA, we have usually gone to B's uncle's house to celebrate Thanksgiving. Last year that turkey got around. B's uncle insisted on buying the turkey, but since their home was in final remodeling I agreed to cook it and transport it to their home on the other side of the valley. So the turkey was driven from one end of the valley, defrosted, cooked, and then driven back again.

All of that wouldn't have been so bad, but there were clearly some issues going on in the home. We think it had something to do with one of B's cousins. He wasn't at dinner and our inquiries about him were ignored. There was just an air about the place. It made the whole day, which was already uncomfortable, even more so. We were the only guests and shortly after dinner it was just the three of us (B, me and their dog).

This year it has been hard to make plans as everything has been up in the air for so long. It has been impossible to see much beyond the day, let alone weeks in advance. Meanwhile, I have been pushing myself away from people because this situation has just been too hard to explain. Everything has just felt so out of control that I haven't wanted to inflict myself on others. And thus I now have two 18-pound turkeys in the freezer and no plans.

This is one of the things I truly suck at - inviting people to do something. Like most people, I don't like rejection. But I am sure there are other issues at work there as well.

At this point, I would be surprised if anyone I knew in the area didn't have plans. And I also don't want to make it look like I am fishing for an invite. At the same time what does this say about me. Yikes!

The holidays are hard when you don't have family. They are hard when you do too. I don't miss the craziness of that. I am trying to be thankful for the craziness of this. I think we need to figure out new traditions.


on the night stand :: Everyday Sacred