pt 2 :: i miss my bed

I keep looking back on the last two years to see what I can take away from this. What have I/can I learn?

In some ways (okay many ways), I feel like one of the biggest losers on the planet. If you simply sized me up, I am not someone you would want to take home to meet your parents. Aside from the living out of a suitcase and not supporting myself, I have done a pretty good job isolating myself. If you had been daring enough to invite me over to family night, chances are good I would have made sure to be out of town.

I am disappointed in myself that it has been two years since I hosted a party or had friends over for dinner. I am sorry that I didn't call my friends more or even just send them an email. I know though that part of it is that I sound like a broken record. I am also disheartened that things between me and B's family aren't much better. I am disappointed that I haven't stood up for myself more. I am sad about the many projects that sit unfinished or worse, not even started.

Of course there is more to this story and another light I could go stand in. These last two years have been a roller coaster ride, and I have managed to survive and keep my wits about me even. I have tried to make the best of this, although I berate myself for not having done more to have stretched myself and reached out more.

I may not have won any awards or honors these past 24 months, but I have come out of my comfort zone on multiple occasions. I am writing my morning pages again. I haven't been abandoned by my friends. And of course B and I still can't imagine life without the other.

I have woken up in many different beds, but always grateful to still be here. I get that I am lucky. I know what it means to be a survivor. I guess what I want is the next step - to thrive.




on the night stand :: Emily Brown and the Thing

it has been two years since i slept in my bed

It is hard to imagine that much time has passed since B and I loaded up the Civic and headed west out of Chicago. I honestly figured the contract position he managed to get would work out and we would be in our own place in 2 months - 3 tops.

And while I knew in the back of my head that if things didn't work out there was always the house in LA County, I secretly hoped we would only stay there when we wanted to get away from the chilly summer of the Bay Area. Maybe we would go to Disneyland?

I never wanted to make this home base, although I truly am grateful to have a roof over my head even if it felt like it was going to come crashing down on my head earlier this week. I joke that this place is like a lake cabin that is neither a cabin nor by a lake. My legs and arms look like I have been hanging out on the lake - I am all bitten up.

These last two years have been hard. There isn't any book or web site that offers how-to advice for this type of situation. It has taught me to trust and have faith in ways that I cannot even begin to describe.

I was alone on Tuesday when the earthquake hit, centered only a few miles away. It took me a few seconds to realize what was going on, because it has been a while since I have been in a moderate quake. I have been fortunate to have missed the last really big ones that have hit California. Still, I was surprised that I didn't freak out more than I did.

I was definitely shaken. I had been lying in bed, using my iPhone to check email and such (my laptop was still restoring itself downstairs). I didn't feel safe upstairs, so on my way down, I managed to call B who was at work. He was also on his way down the stairs. He works on the top floor of a brick building. I had the radio on, but didn't hear where the epicenter was or how big it was for several minutes. Truly that is the scary thing about earthquakes - you have no idea how the rest of the world is doing. Were you near the epicenter, or miles away?

The cell phone systems were overloaded and we were cut off. But I felt okay knowing that that was probably the worst of it, and B was also okay and now on his way home. Of course I was nervous about his heading home. There were no reports of serious damage, but you never know how the roads are going to fair. He managed to get home without incident and even picked up some dim sum.

(to be continued)




on the night stand :: Sleep is for the Weak

in which i admit toothbrush issues

Today was a busy day. We had books to return to the library and many steps to take before we head north. I decided to make stock from the turkey but realized that if I froze the result, I would be out of plastic containers. So it was off to The Container Store for me (I know, that sounds like a pretty lame excuse to me too).

Around this time of year, The Container Store sets up a wrapping paper wonderland, and in the center of it are some of the most clever things. This year they had a travel tooth brush container that automatically disinfects your toothbrush. I know this doesn't sound like a big deal, but I realized that while my 99 cent toothbrush holder from Target may be pink, it also had to be chucked after I found mold growing in it. Oh so gross. I got a new toothbrush and brushed me teeth at least 10 times.

These toothbrush holders are thirty bucks, but if they work, not having to worry about putting more bacteria in my mouth will be more than worth it. We actually got two. The only flaw I see is that they don't take into account that people travel together. I will share just about anything with B, but my toothbrush is where I draw the line. I caught him one morning with MY toothbrush in HIS mouth and lost it. He claims it was an innocent mistake, as he was still half asleep, but I still threw it out and got a new one from my secret stash. Anyway, the point is that there doesn't seem to be anyway to tell these apart. No color coding. Hopefully it will do well and they can add that in the next release. Until then, I will think of something.

B went next door to Best Buy and when he returned to find me at The Container Store he told me that he suddenly was famished. I hate when he does that. It isn't like he will starve. It made me lose my train of thought, but I think I got most of what I needed. We stopped at Starbucks and shared an iced tea and a slice of lemon loaf.

Our next stop was the Whole Foods. I needed a couple of potatoes to finish up the turkey casserole and B wanted to get some snacks for the road. We managed to get one bag of food for $29. That's about our average.

We then stopped at Target. B is looking for a game, but didn't find it. I, however, ended up finding the perfect pickles present. OMG! I can't wait to hear the reaction.

The turkey stock is in the freezer. So is the turkey casserole. One more turkey sandwich in the morning before we hit the road, and that is about it for the turkey.

The laundry is pretty much finished. Now we just need to pack and try not to forget anything.

on the night stand :: Pushed: The Painful Truth About Childbirth And Modern Maternity Care

thirty days of blogging begins now

I managed to do this last year. And I hope to be successful again this year. I feel like I have been neglecting this space and my writing in general. Part of it, I thought, was having nothing new or good to write about. Actually that isn't entirely true either.

If you have been following along, you know that since we left Chicago in August of 2006, b has been looking for the next big thing. Well, it would appear that he found it:

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.
--Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert

Of course, it isn't that simple. It is a contract position, which in February will be re-evaluated. At this point the job can be done from anywhere (with phone and Internet access), but part of the plan for the company is to open an office in the greater Los Angeles area. So for the time being, we continue as we have been.

Please don't misunderstand, I know how fortunate we are. It is hard though not really having a place to call your own. So one goal for this month is to create a space within these four walls that is mine.

It also means that looking forward, we can see the horizon, but not much beyond. Overall the prospect looks good. I just don't know how long b wants to talk about fish. I also don't see him working at a big company - at least not for a long time - so it still isn't clear what the future holds.

The big news actually came a week ago. I know, you would think that I would have been shouting it from the mountain tops. It just happened so fast and under rather bizarre circumstances:

We were staying at a hotel near SFO. I had stayed up the night before reading until 5:30am and so decided not to go into the city with b. He was going to a conference and meeting a friend for lunch. In between he was taking the call from Germany to make the job final. He called to tell me, but I was in the shower at the time. And then the fire alarm in the hotel went off.

The message he left was hard to hear and honestly even if I had been able to hear it I don't think it would have quite sunk in. Even b was having a hard time dealing with this new reality as he didn't bring it up with his friend over lunch.

The fire alarm turned out to be false. Of course. But it also hit home the fact that although the hotel may be in the final stages of a $7 million renovation, it is a fire trap. I watched as two women walked around in circles going 'where are the stairs'. Keep in mind we were on the second floor!

Automatic doors closed, but didn't lock, and blocked the area by the elevator. In doing this they also blocked the only way to get to the internal staircase which is by far the quickest way out of the building. They also blocked off the area where the signs are posted telling you about the fire evacuation procedures.

I was able to regain my composure and then headed off to Panera for a late lunch. It was there that b instant messaged me on gmail.In his phone message he had mentioned possibly meeting in San Francisco for dinner. That, he told me was a no-go and he was now in Livermore working. He suggested that I drive out there and meet them (his official co-worker, his wife, and their almost 2-year-old daughter) for dinner.

I left at five o'clock with the goal of arriving by six o'clock. It actually took me an hour and a half to get there! And even though I was driving solo, I put my purse and my phone in the back seat. Thus, I didn't get b's message that plans had changed.

When I arrived I was told that b was off to a business dinner and I was to meet the ladies downtown at a halloween event. I was a bit confused and somewhat upset. I still hadn't quite processed the whole job thing when clearly things were in full swing.

I followed them to the parking lot and then called the cell phone number I was given. It was now a quarter to seven and things were just about over. There were kids in customs running around everywhere with their tired parents in tow. I met up with the girls and we pretty much headed back to their house.

I felt terrible because I know I wasn't in the best of moods. Staying up too late, fire drill, changing plans, feeling out of control, still not talking to b about what this whole job thing means, etc. I also felt badly that I had been dumped on this woman to entertain. Honestly I would have just been happy to have picked b up after his dinner. I had things I could have done.

We ended up talking more when the guys returned. And then headed back towards SFO. It was after 11:30 pm, so the traffic was light, but all the ways to get across the water were construction zones at that hour. It took us another hour and a half to get back. We thought we made the right decision, crossing over on the Bay Bridge, only to realize after we exited the tunnel that they were shutting it down. All traffic was forced into the right lane and then off the bridge and into the city.

That's how it happened. We still haven't really celebrated. We need to do that as well. This is a big deal!

on the night stand :: Driving with Dead People

coming back

For someone who has few commitments at the moment, I am amazed at how little it feels like I get done. It is disappointing and a bit scary, if you must know.

B's parents (and sister) have been gone now for over 10 days. I feel like I have recovered as much as I can from their visit, which was quite awful. Still, some of the things that were said and done aren't things that you can just shake off and move on. But I try.

It probably isn't helping that this week is usually hard for me. It begins with my father's birthday and ends with my sister's. Their birthdays are exactly a week apart (and many years, of course). Part of me just wishes I could forget, but another part of me is glad that I don't. It is still tough though not to remember and ask if maybe it is me. Maybe I am the reason why my family is so messed up. But I know that isn't true. But after the parental visit in which I was accused of not wanting other people to have relationships with their families because I have no relationship with my own, it had to be asked.

We are also coming up on nine months of having left Chicago. I can't believe it has been that long although some of this time has dragged on. I also can't believe that I have lived without most of my things for this long. How I long for the day to sleep once again in my own bed and under my own roof. It seems like such a small thing - so easy to take for granted. But part of me is ready for this journey to end; of course the other part of me is scared to death as to what that means. In fact when I recently thought that it was about to change I had a most bizarre panic attack. It felt like my system literally reset.

So the question is how to I prepare for this change? How do I keep from feeling like I am drowning? How do I come back?

EGGS by Jerry Spinelli