i want to be a mom

There, I've said it. I am now on the record with the universe, although I don't think that this is entirely a secret.

For the last several years I have tried to turn that pain that is mother's day (for me) around. I started by sending three store-bought cards to friends who are moms, and on Saturday sent close to seventy postcards featuring the photos above.

Losing a mother is hard. It doesn't matter what your relationship was like with her, it will be painful. The person who brought you into this world is no more, and so if nothing else you are forced to realize your own fleeting mortality on some level.

Seeing other people with their mothers is hard. It is even harder when said people treat said mothers badly. It makes me very angry. And maybe even more so because I know there is no way to explain. And thus, very little I can do about it. It is like being on the other side of a locked door, holding the key.

This year I decided to stay home. I didn't want to watch the world celebrate something that I couldn't. Reportedly nearly 40% of people were going out to eat yesterday. I didn't feel up to dealing with crowds.

We sent flowers to B's mother and his sister. I feel like perhaps we should have sent two separate bouquets (B's mother is visiting his sister in New York), but it seemed like the best option at the time. It was a beautiful arrangement and included a nice vase which I figured his sister could keep and hopefully use. I don't know. We got an email from the mother. Nothing from his sister. It was probably wrong that we didn't call too. But I never know what to say and really I wasn't all there yesterday. I wish it wasn't so complicated.


on the night stand :: ultreo ultrasound toothbrush