father's day is coming

The email messages are starting to bombard my inbox. Father's Day is now less than a week away. Amazon thinks I should get my dad a Kindle. Clearly they don't know my father. He doesn't read Playboy for the articles, if you know what I mean. Usually there recommendations are so on the mark.

Over at Williams-Sonoma, Chuck and his friends think my dad would like something monogrammed. Maybe some beer glasses with his initials. Or something for the grill. Was that a meat brander? These are a little more on target, although probably not something my father would entirely appreciate. (And yet your earnings are tumbling!)

It has been a long while since I celebrated Father's Day. I couldn't even tell you what present I last bought for my father, but I know it wasn't a tie.

I remember going with my mother and sister to pick out some t-shirts for my father. They were the kind that bordered on the inappropriate. Things like "I'm with Stupid", although I know that wasn't one of the ones we got him. They had to do with things like beer and cartoon characters.

Maybe I have had a longer time to deal with it, or maybe it isn't as pushed as Mother's Day, but this holiday which is celebrated on the third Sunday in June doesn't seem to bring up as many issues. I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me at all. It does. It just seems easier to get through it as though it is just another day.

I think many people have strained relationships with their fathers. Even those that come from families where the parents are still married. Men have for the most part been told to keep their emotions to themselves. The job of fathering is more one of providing and maybe having the dreaded talk about the birds and the bees (if you have a son). It can be a big deal for a father to say I love you or to even give a hug to his child.

It wasn't that long ago that husbands were banished to hospital waiting rooms (or the local tavern) while their wives gave birth. Now men are expected not only to be there, but be actively involved. An email from WonderTime (magazine) was having a poll to rate your mate's performance in the delivery room. Choices ranged from "rock star" to "too touchy feely".

Kevin Nealon (of Saturday Night Live and Weeds fame) just wrote a book about becoming a father for the first time at 53. It's called Yes You're Pregnant But What About Me. Clearly the tides are turning, but we have a long way to go.

Of course there is the man having a baby that Oprah helped bring to light. While yes, he is legally a man, this is far from a story about advances in modern medicine. The big question is what happens after he gives birth. Who will be changing the diapers and getting up for the 4am feedings? Will having experienced labor change things? Sometimes dramatic changes force the issue.

If you haven't heard about the blog called Matt, Liz, and Madeline, you might want to get some tissue. In a nutshell, Liz had a difficult pregnancy. She was confined to bed rest for several weeks, including a couple in the hospital before giving birth to Madeline, six weeks before her due date (via c-section). Everyone breathed a sigh of relief, the baby was small but healthy and the next day Liz was allowed to go see Madeline in the NICU. On their way their, with a nurse pushing Liz in a wheelchair per custom, Liz had a seizure. She died shortly thereafter. Matt now writes about what it has been like taking on this role the last several weeks. When people see him out and about, they frequently say things like "playing Mr. Mom today", having no idea the truth.

The bottom line is that fathers play an important role in a person's life. If you have a father in your life, tell him how you feel. If you have a friend who is a father, offer him your support. If you are a father, do a self inventory. Figure out what you can do to be the best father you can be. Fathers are an important piece to a person's well being. It is important to nurture them too.


on the night stand :: Kaline Klattermaster's Tree House

of birthdays, celebrated past

Today I wondered into a store which I had passed several times and so wanted to visit, but never did. I decided to go today to see what they had, and to perhaps search out a little something for a friend.

The store was filled with lots of little wonderful things. Things that glittered. Fuzzy things. Things that chimed. There was lots of paper and cards and things for babies and brides. Clever things and silly things. Things you probably wouldn't buy for yourself.

Among the shelves was a little bird paperweight. On the base it read, "A Mother's Love is Best". Part of me wanted to smash that little bird. It isn't that I don't believe that saying, although I don't think it is always true. It was more about missing something. And having this little statuette remind me of it among potential birthday gifts wasn't helping.

I think that even as we grow into adults, there are still things that we come to expect or at least want. One of them is that your parents will remember your birthday. It makes sense. They helped get you here, shouldn't they be the biggest celebrators of the day? They have been doing it as long as you, no?

Of course, I know that there are many people out there like myself who this isn't the case for, and may not have been true for a long time for all kinds of reasons. There are estranged parents and parents who are no longer alive mingled in with those who just don't get it.

I think this is why I am such a champion of birthdays. I try very hard to remember people, even if it is just sending a card in the mail. I do my best so that whatever I send arrives on time, although it isn't always possible. I genuinely feel bad when things are late, even though I also know that it can help extend the celebration. I just know what it feels like to be forgotten and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

For those who have never been miffed by a parent on a birthday, you might want to (re-)visit the movie "Sixteen Candles". Although that will only get you so far. Having a parent forget your birthday for another sibling's impending nuptials is one thing; having a parent repeatedly ignore or do something hurtful on your birthday is a hard experience to describe. If you aren't careful though, it can make you feel like there has to be something wrong with you. It is much like the owner of a dog, kicking it in the gut for no real reason other than it was there.

Sometimes I think maybe forgetting is better than some of thing parents can do. Showing up drunk to a party (always fun). Presenting their child (now 'of age') with a bill for his portion of the living expenses is also not recommended. Writing a hurtful note in a card, starting an argument, and so on all seem somehow worse than just being overlooked or seemingly forgotten.

My Flickr stream is filled with birthday parties for my friends' little ones. It makes me wonder how things go to these happy joyous occasions to that other place. Many of us who are now ignored also had cakes and parties and candles and ice cream and presents way back when. Is there some age at which we are no longer cute enough? Good enough? Innocent enough? I know it isn't that simple, but when you watch a parent stare into his baby's face - you know the look - it makes you wonder how things can change so drastically.


on the night stand :: The Perfect Scoop