eye exams can trigger nightmares

canon digital rebel xsi

Last week I went to the optometrist. I needed new glasses. It's been five years (shhh...). I was actually scared I would fail the eye test at the DMV (I didn't). And truth be told, B rolled over onto my glasses the last night we spent in Chicago (over 3 years ago). It was time. Beyond time.

I've been wearing glasses since I was five-years old. My eyesight is bad. I haven't been able to see the big "E" for decades (without my glasses, of course), so it didn't come as a surprise that my eyes would get dilated so the doctor could really look inside my eyes. What did surprise me was waking up screaming the next morning. I hate nightmares like that.

I'm sure it wasn't just the bright lights being shined into my eyes. It was deeper than that. Going to the eye doctor is now part of that memory. I thought that if I went to a different eye doctor maybe it wouldn't matter. Although as long as I have put this appointment off, maybe not.

I had an eye appointment scheduled for the day after I found out my Mom had died. Obviously I didn't schedule it that way. It just happened. And I did consider canceling the appointment, but I didn't. Mostly because I didn't want to have to explain why I was needing less than 24 hours notice, and also because a small part of me thought my Mom would be mad at me if I did. (You must understand that the mind of someone who has recently been hit with such a loss, has all sorts of weird thoughts.)

That day after was intense. B insisted that we go take the car in for a check up, but he didn't realize they weren't open on Saturday. I was not amused having driven by myself over there in my car, and then having to drive back alone to the house.

From there, we headed downtown for lunch and then a stop at the office. B had to work. I didn't want to be alone. Plus, I had to go to the eye doctor later that afternoon.

At lunch I used the pay phone (it was 1999) to call my therapist to see if he could see me. I got his voice mail. I just said 'something bad happened' and asked him to call me at B's office number.

Meanwhile, I got to go into the CEO's office and tell him what was up. I had been hired part-time after being let go about a month before from my previous job by my friend. Oh yes, it was a fun month and a half. Needless to say, I learned that saying those words in front of someone was much harder than doing it over the phone. I feel to pieces in front of him. Just started tearing up, and then couldn't control it.

Shortly thereafter, B's phone rang at his desk. It was my therapist. He could see me. I explained that first I needed to go to the eye doctor, so asked if he could see me around 5pm. He agreed. And then he asked me what happened. Somehow I got the words out.

B finished up and then we headed over to see the eye doctor. They were pretty busy. It was Saturday afternoon. I got put in the room by myself with the door closed. I started crying again. Tears just started rolling down my face. Thankfully I managed to regain my composure and wipe up my face before the doctor came in. I didn't want anyone to know.

Somehow I got through the exam. The doctor decided to dilate my eyes. I tried to look at frames while I waited for the dilation drops to work, but really couldn't focus. In the end, I think I came back at another time to pick a frame. We also had to head to the south part of town for my next appointment.

Driving over I looked in the mirror and saw how big and dilated my eyes were. I looked freaky. I remember explaining that it was because of the drops the optometrist put in my eyes - I wasn't as bad off as I appeared.

I got through the session and drove home. There were a few fun messages waiting for me on the machine. I was beyond exhausted at that point. It all becomes a blur from there.









on the night stand :: A Homemade Life by Molly Wizenberg.

coming back

For someone who has few commitments at the moment, I am amazed at how little it feels like I get done. It is disappointing and a bit scary, if you must know.

B's parents (and sister) have been gone now for over 10 days. I feel like I have recovered as much as I can from their visit, which was quite awful. Still, some of the things that were said and done aren't things that you can just shake off and move on. But I try.

It probably isn't helping that this week is usually hard for me. It begins with my father's birthday and ends with my sister's. Their birthdays are exactly a week apart (and many years, of course). Part of me just wishes I could forget, but another part of me is glad that I don't. It is still tough though not to remember and ask if maybe it is me. Maybe I am the reason why my family is so messed up. But I know that isn't true. But after the parental visit in which I was accused of not wanting other people to have relationships with their families because I have no relationship with my own, it had to be asked.

We are also coming up on nine months of having left Chicago. I can't believe it has been that long although some of this time has dragged on. I also can't believe that I have lived without most of my things for this long. How I long for the day to sleep once again in my own bed and under my own roof. It seems like such a small thing - so easy to take for granted. But part of me is ready for this journey to end; of course the other part of me is scared to death as to what that means. In fact when I recently thought that it was about to change I had a most bizarre panic attack. It felt like my system literally reset.

So the question is how to I prepare for this change? How do I keep from feeling like I am drowning? How do I come back?

EGGS by Jerry Spinelli