eye exams can trigger nightmares

canon digital rebel xsi

Last week I went to the optometrist. I needed new glasses. It's been five years (shhh...). I was actually scared I would fail the eye test at the DMV (I didn't). And truth be told, B rolled over onto my glasses the last night we spent in Chicago (over 3 years ago). It was time. Beyond time.

I've been wearing glasses since I was five-years old. My eyesight is bad. I haven't been able to see the big "E" for decades (without my glasses, of course), so it didn't come as a surprise that my eyes would get dilated so the doctor could really look inside my eyes. What did surprise me was waking up screaming the next morning. I hate nightmares like that.

I'm sure it wasn't just the bright lights being shined into my eyes. It was deeper than that. Going to the eye doctor is now part of that memory. I thought that if I went to a different eye doctor maybe it wouldn't matter. Although as long as I have put this appointment off, maybe not.

I had an eye appointment scheduled for the day after I found out my Mom had died. Obviously I didn't schedule it that way. It just happened. And I did consider canceling the appointment, but I didn't. Mostly because I didn't want to have to explain why I was needing less than 24 hours notice, and also because a small part of me thought my Mom would be mad at me if I did. (You must understand that the mind of someone who has recently been hit with such a loss, has all sorts of weird thoughts.)

That day after was intense. B insisted that we go take the car in for a check up, but he didn't realize they weren't open on Saturday. I was not amused having driven by myself over there in my car, and then having to drive back alone to the house.

From there, we headed downtown for lunch and then a stop at the office. B had to work. I didn't want to be alone. Plus, I had to go to the eye doctor later that afternoon.

At lunch I used the pay phone (it was 1999) to call my therapist to see if he could see me. I got his voice mail. I just said 'something bad happened' and asked him to call me at B's office number.

Meanwhile, I got to go into the CEO's office and tell him what was up. I had been hired part-time after being let go about a month before from my previous job by my friend. Oh yes, it was a fun month and a half. Needless to say, I learned that saying those words in front of someone was much harder than doing it over the phone. I feel to pieces in front of him. Just started tearing up, and then couldn't control it.

Shortly thereafter, B's phone rang at his desk. It was my therapist. He could see me. I explained that first I needed to go to the eye doctor, so asked if he could see me around 5pm. He agreed. And then he asked me what happened. Somehow I got the words out.

B finished up and then we headed over to see the eye doctor. They were pretty busy. It was Saturday afternoon. I got put in the room by myself with the door closed. I started crying again. Tears just started rolling down my face. Thankfully I managed to regain my composure and wipe up my face before the doctor came in. I didn't want anyone to know.

Somehow I got through the exam. The doctor decided to dilate my eyes. I tried to look at frames while I waited for the dilation drops to work, but really couldn't focus. In the end, I think I came back at another time to pick a frame. We also had to head to the south part of town for my next appointment.

Driving over I looked in the mirror and saw how big and dilated my eyes were. I looked freaky. I remember explaining that it was because of the drops the optometrist put in my eyes - I wasn't as bad off as I appeared.

I got through the session and drove home. There were a few fun messages waiting for me on the machine. I was beyond exhausted at that point. It all becomes a blur from there.









on the night stand :: A Homemade Life by Molly Wizenberg.

how do you process this

canon digital rebel xsi

A couple of days ago I learned that my mother's boyfriend of many years died. This happened several years ago. He was in his 90's, so it wasn't something I didn't expect. And I never expected that anyone would contact me when it happened. The last time I spoke with him was when my mother died (10 years ago). I figured it would probably be the last time I heard from him, and really wasn't sorry about that. I don't recall his words being particularly comforting, although I can't remember much of anything that he said (their relationship had ended a few years before she died, although I don't recall the details).

I am not particularly sad. I am certainly not in denial. Beyond slightly relieved, I don't know what I am. Maybe a little angry?

I have kept this secret for so long. Not that suddenly it will come up in conversation. It is not something that people talk about. There really isn't anyone to talk to about it anyway.

He was married. And her boss. Also the same age as her father. And not that it mattered, but he was also Jewish. Are we having fun yet?

I hadn't really thought of him. And suddenly there were memories that popped into my head. Things I had buried deep inside. Like how I found out about their relationship.

I was just starting high school at a new school where I knew no one. My sister and I had just returned from a summer of visiting our father and grandmother on the east coast. While we were away, my Mom moved us into a different apartment. We knew this was going to happen, it wasn't a big deal. It was just more change. She also informed us she had broken up for good with her boyfriend of many years (we wanted to be happy about this, but it wasn't the first time she had said this).

She told us that her boss was coming to dinner. We really didn't think anything of it beyond that we needed to make sure the house was clean before we left in the morning. Our room didn't have a closet, so we needed to make sure there wasn't any dirty laundry strewn about.

Dinner was fairly uneventful. As per usual, we were told to clean up after we were finished. While we started doing the dishes they disappeared into my mother's room. I figured they had business to discuss. It wasn't until we heard other noises, that we realized what was happening. I still remember staring at my sister, and her staring back at me with what I am sure was the same look of disbelief on my face. Suddenly Bozo (the nickname of my mom's previous boyfriend) didn't look so bad.

We weren't sure what to do. We weren't allowed to leave the apartment without permission. It wasn't the best of neighborhoods, and we were still learning our way around. We more than likely went and hid in our room. I don't think anything more was said about it that night. What more really could be said?

Another thing I remembered was a trip to the movies. It probably happened not too long after the dinner. The four of us went to the movies with the idea that it was something to bond us. Something normal. Something fun. It was far from any of that.

The movie theater was one of those that showed movies that had been out for a while. It was a week night, so there weren't many people there. I've tried to remember the name of the movie, or even the genre, but it is a complete blank. You see, when we arrived at the theater, my mother told us to sit in the row in front of them. And then for the entire movie, the two of them made out behind us. It was disgusting. The noises combined with the wild imagination of a teenage girl were a bad combination. Yet there was no way in a million years I would have turned around. If what I saw hadn't killed me, I am sure my mother would have.

The whole relationship was so complicated. I still feel weird saying anything about it. I know that some people figured it out, and there were a even select few that were told. But as I've said, it isn't something one brings up in polite conversation. Maybe not even in impolite conversation.

I really tried hard not to judge my mother. I can't deny though that this choice did impact our relationship. It probably made us closer in some ways, but mostly it sent mixed messages and severed boundaries.

To make things even more bizarre, my sister ended up in a long-term relationship with a much older man who was also Jewish. Of course she denied that she was acting out the issues in her own childhood.


on the night stand :: When You Reach Me by Rebecca Stead.