pt 2 :: i miss my bed

I keep looking back on the last two years to see what I can take away from this. What have I/can I learn?

In some ways (okay many ways), I feel like one of the biggest losers on the planet. If you simply sized me up, I am not someone you would want to take home to meet your parents. Aside from the living out of a suitcase and not supporting myself, I have done a pretty good job isolating myself. If you had been daring enough to invite me over to family night, chances are good I would have made sure to be out of town.

I am disappointed in myself that it has been two years since I hosted a party or had friends over for dinner. I am sorry that I didn't call my friends more or even just send them an email. I know though that part of it is that I sound like a broken record. I am also disheartened that things between me and B's family aren't much better. I am disappointed that I haven't stood up for myself more. I am sad about the many projects that sit unfinished or worse, not even started.

Of course there is more to this story and another light I could go stand in. These last two years have been a roller coaster ride, and I have managed to survive and keep my wits about me even. I have tried to make the best of this, although I berate myself for not having done more to have stretched myself and reached out more.

I may not have won any awards or honors these past 24 months, but I have come out of my comfort zone on multiple occasions. I am writing my morning pages again. I haven't been abandoned by my friends. And of course B and I still can't imagine life without the other.

I have woken up in many different beds, but always grateful to still be here. I get that I am lucky. I know what it means to be a survivor. I guess what I want is the next step - to thrive.




on the night stand :: Emily Brown and the Thing

it has been two years since i slept in my bed

It is hard to imagine that much time has passed since B and I loaded up the Civic and headed west out of Chicago. I honestly figured the contract position he managed to get would work out and we would be in our own place in 2 months - 3 tops.

And while I knew in the back of my head that if things didn't work out there was always the house in LA County, I secretly hoped we would only stay there when we wanted to get away from the chilly summer of the Bay Area. Maybe we would go to Disneyland?

I never wanted to make this home base, although I truly am grateful to have a roof over my head even if it felt like it was going to come crashing down on my head earlier this week. I joke that this place is like a lake cabin that is neither a cabin nor by a lake. My legs and arms look like I have been hanging out on the lake - I am all bitten up.

These last two years have been hard. There isn't any book or web site that offers how-to advice for this type of situation. It has taught me to trust and have faith in ways that I cannot even begin to describe.

I was alone on Tuesday when the earthquake hit, centered only a few miles away. It took me a few seconds to realize what was going on, because it has been a while since I have been in a moderate quake. I have been fortunate to have missed the last really big ones that have hit California. Still, I was surprised that I didn't freak out more than I did.

I was definitely shaken. I had been lying in bed, using my iPhone to check email and such (my laptop was still restoring itself downstairs). I didn't feel safe upstairs, so on my way down, I managed to call B who was at work. He was also on his way down the stairs. He works on the top floor of a brick building. I had the radio on, but didn't hear where the epicenter was or how big it was for several minutes. Truly that is the scary thing about earthquakes - you have no idea how the rest of the world is doing. Were you near the epicenter, or miles away?

The cell phone systems were overloaded and we were cut off. But I felt okay knowing that that was probably the worst of it, and B was also okay and now on his way home. Of course I was nervous about his heading home. There were no reports of serious damage, but you never know how the roads are going to fair. He managed to get home without incident and even picked up some dim sum.

(to be continued)




on the night stand :: Sleep is for the Weak